Okay, this texting here instead of texting you is very unsatisfactory. I miss your insights and sense of silliness.

Why won't you stay in your box?

I'm watching the Good Wife and it seems like the world is full of stupid boys who grow up to be even dumber men.

I really miss you.

So many aspects about this suck.

It sucks that we don't text anymore.

I miss you.

Still want a great big puppy. I miss having a puppy.

I want a cupcake. A red velvet cupcake with cream cheese frosting and filling.

I sure do have a lot to say, and not all of it is interesting....

I think I just interrupted a working girl and her john in a Baptist church parking lot. That story would have made you laugh too.

The Zombie Ackbar reminds me of you. Its the kind of thing I would have shared with you once upon a time.

http://www.starwarsart.org/2011/09/pretty-gross-zombie-ackbar.html?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter&m=1

Soooo I did something clumsy at the grocery store. I spilled soda all over the check-out area. The conveyor belt and magazines and everywhere. You'd have laughed.

Stupid YoSaffBridge betrayer phone. Stupid autocorrect. Its supposed to be "are" not "ate".

There ate peacocks blocking traffic and I can't send you a pic because it just starts this whole painful mess all over.

Silliness for Silliness Sake

Dearest You,

Its been an interesting couple of days. I've found reasons to laugh. I've found reasons to smile. I've fought the tears. I know I'll move past this, whatever it was. I'll stop wondering "if" or "if only" eventually. Loosing you won't end me, it just ends a very happy chapter in my life. Even with all the "what ifs" and "what does that mean" questions running through my head, it was a happy chapter in my life. You did bring me genuine joy. You brightened my days with humour and silliness and Yoda. You could make me see how ridiculous I can be about some things. I'll miss that.

I miss you.

I think if we were still friends you'd find my current predicament very amusing. You'd laugh your Yoda butt off at me. The exact same birthday gift from two completely different friends on opposite sides on the country. And I won't bore you with the love life woes (these actually don't concern you, I seem to be married man bait). At this point if I didn't laugh at myself I think I'd dissolve into a puddle like the Wicked Witch of the West. So I laugh. I feel better when I laugh. 

I need to delete your pictures and voice mail from my phone, but I can't. I just can't.

Its been a week and I miss you.

5 nights in a row I've managed not to re-read your letters. But Booboo Bear still sleeps with me. I know, pathetic.

Thinking...

http://youtu.be/Rj6gfz10cS8

"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."

I dreamt of you, but I'm not telling you about it. You've forfeited that privilege.

And One More

http://youtu.be/snU9vQNOkHw

This Week's Theme Music

http://youtu.be/oBYYiIHm90I

Damn Houdini Cranes! I found one in my bed.

I have to remind myself not to text and not to call. I can't stop thinking about you, even if it is to not contact you.

But it would be nicer if you texted because you wanted to talk. Or better yet if you called me. I don't know how to respond to a tugboat.

Its nice that you text me pictures of model tugboats in a museum because they remind you of me.

Frack frack frackity frack frack FRACK!!

FRACK!!!

It hurts not sharing with you.

Just a Little Theme Music

http://youtu.be/jZMQ0OKVO80

I can't help but think my life has a Bridges of Madison County sheen to it these days.

I'm tempted to quote some of your letters, to share your words, but I still want to keep a part of you for myself. Even if its only a few scraps of paper.

Marigolds and Zinnias and Orchids remind me of you.

And this is why I hate texting you, you just drop off without warning. Its rude and annoying.

Frack.

I am weak and pathetic and I'm texting you. Argh!!

I miss hearing the James Bond theme play on my phone.

:-p************

Silly Fairness

Dearest You,

Am I being fair? Did I just disappear for no reason?

I ask because against my better judgement I texted you "Good luck" this morning. I know its a huge day for you at work. I know you've been planning this day, eating, drinking, and breathing this day, for the last couple of months. Almost everything has taken a back seat to this day (on a side note I can't help wondering with everything else going on in your work world, with fellow service members in harms way being injured and some dieing, why this day was even planned. It seems very frivolous at this time). So I wanted to wish you luck. Its a big day for me too. Its the last day I know for certain what you are doing. After today I no longer have any idea what is going on in your life. So I wished you luck.

And you texted back. It was a simple and impossible to emotionally read "Thank you". I don't want it to be cold, but it could be taken that way. I don't want it to be a "throw away" text, you may have so many friends texting you lucky wishes, you just replied "Thank you" to all of them without looking at who the sender was. Or you could be like me, completely lost as to how to handle this whole mess. But I'll never know, we don't talk any more. I'll never know.

I'm tempted to send you the link for this little stream of conciousness. But I have given you so many insights into my soul, I don't know if I could handle your rejection here. And would it be fair to you? To see how I've interupted what I consider slights and you consider over sights. I don't want my feelings trivalized with "I never meant for you to take it that way" conversations. That last sentance sounds very selfish.

My musings are all "I" related. I'm hurt because of "x" you did or didn't do. I'm hurt. I ache. Well of course its all "I" statements, I have no idea what you feel or think. You haven't told me in months. I ask, you shut me down. Or you go be with your local friends. Yes the physical distance between us has created an emotional distance. I don't know why its harder to over come 786 miles when we conquered 7,714 miles. I felt closer to you when you were on the other side of the world. That's kind of sad.

I should clarify. I'm not jealous of the time you spend with your friends (not totally true, I am jealous. I want to live close enough for a week night dinner out or a lunch date, but I don't). I'm jealous you talk to them. Once I knew everything going on in your life. I was the go to person, and now I'm not. I'm not even in the top ten. Information is power and I have none.

In fairness to you, I stopped myself from texting you back. I stopped myself from texting "I love you". I do. In spite of everything I love you. I hate you on a regular basis too. I hate how we're not dealing with any of this. Confrontations are NOT your thing, you don't respond to pressure at all, which I find highly amusing in light of your profession. Of course I find so much about you amusing and loveable.

I miss you Hanny. I miss you Boo boo. But you're acting like Lukey and I don't know how to handle it. 

I like to think of myself as a smart woman, but reading your letters before bed was not one if my better ideas.

Damn Houdini Cranes.

Why don't you call?!?!

Oh that's right, because you don't care. Your indifference hurts.

James Taylor brings me to tears now.

Argh.

Silly Time

Dearest You,

Looking back over the years of our friendship and whatever we were in the recent past, I've realised we made time for each other. I know I always found time for you. And likewise on your end. We made time to spend with each other, even if it was watching a silly TV show. I think I can almost pin point when finding time for each other changed. It was after Memorial Day. We met for dinner and I believe it was the last time I knew for certain I was a priority with you. After Memorial Day I fell off your list. Texting became less frequent, calling became less frequent, email was unheard of, and while I continued to write you letters, I never heard back from you. To this day I don't know if you received my letters.

The awful truth is I could feel it. I could feel you pulling away. I wanted to you talk to me, just talk to me. And I received silence. Oh you'd text me about some headache at work or headache with your children. But you stopped talking about your family with me. Or telling me about your other friends. Or talking about your hopes or dreams or weekend plans. I was no longer held a place on the Need to Know List. I'm sure you'd say it was work pressure, you had so much going on at work you just didn't have time. But in all honesty, you talked to your other friends. In all honesty you simply no longer had a desire to include me. And I knew. I wanted you to man up and tell me. Of course you didn't. Of course you won't. Its your pattern to just let the women you no longer wish to have anything to do with fade away. And boy have I faded in grand fashion, you've made sure of that.

I'm too emotionally attached. I remember all too well what it was like being your best friend to ever settle for the scraps you seem to think I should enjoy of your time now. And for once I wish you would really see the mess you cause. The pain you can inflict with your callousness. It would have been kinder to tell me in June your feelings had changed. It would have been kinder if you had let me wall you off in December when I tried to. You asked me not to shut you out, and I didn't. I asked you not to shut me out, yet you did. You once told me you shut me out when we were younger to protect me from how you treat women. If this is a second attempt at such protection, you have epically failed. I hurt. I ache. I can't think of you and not ache. I can't be and not think of you. My ache is constant. To be utterly melodramatic about the whole thing, I know how Bella Swan feels in New Moon. I understand the need to hold myself in order to not feel how shattered my heart is.

I don't want to say you don't care. But from my perspective you don't. And knowing you don't care hurts the most.

Of course the answer to the question is "no". I'm not letting you go by writing you here. BUT I get to say my peace. Which is more then you have given me.

Ha ha! Now I can text here instead of texting you!
But how am I letting go if I pretend to text you here?

Football Silliness

Dearest You,

I just checked the weekend's football scores. I know its Tuesday and I should have checked them on Monday. I should have, but I was too busy just trying to get through the day. Just trying not to text you. Because I think its the last thing you want from me right now.

Any way - I knew the Redskins had won because of the really funny drunken phone call from my dad right after the game. He was so happy! :) It was a big game for the 'Skins, they beat the Giants at home in Landover, MD (I wonder if they should be called the Maryland Redskins instead of the Washington Redskins since they no longer play in DC. I call the New York teams Jersey teams because they play in the Meadowlands in New Jersey. Its logical). Its been a loooooonnnnnng time since the 'Skins beat the Giants. And its a huge rivalry, always has been. I'm convinced none of the NFC East teams like each other very much. The 'Skins like beating the Philadephia Eagles as much as the Giants. Of course with Redskins fans its all about beating the Dallas Cowboys. As I keep telling my son, "cowboys who ride horses are good, Cowboys who play football are bad". Or another one is "my two favorite teams are the Washington Redkins and whoever is playing the Dallas Cowboys". Which brings me to the point of this letter, the Cowboys lost against the New York Jets in their season opener. :) It was a good weekend for Redskins fans! :)

There is always a bright spot, even if it is a football bright spot. :)

We're Not Friends Anymore

Dearest You,

I've lost you. And it hit me the hardest today in a meeting of all places. I was thinking to myself how I would write you a letter about this silly meeting and it would make you smile. Only I can't write you. Or I could write you and face the humiliation of knowing you don't want to hear from me. You won't answer. We're not friends any more.

We're not friends anymore. I think of all the things I face in life, not being your friend hurts the most. Not being able to share what happens at work with you. Or some funny little thing said by one of the kids. Or watch a tv show with you. Or watch a movie with you. We used to do those things. And now we don't. We're not friends anymore.

I didn't want to loose our precious friendship. When I traded it away, I thought I was trading it for something more. Something closer. I thought I was trading it for love. A love that shined and was bright and gave me so much happiness. I think it did for you too. I reread your letters and I feel it. Letters I know I should send back to you, but I can't. I can't part with the little bit of you I have. The little bit that for so brief a time was mine. They make me cry, and they make me burn, but I smile too.

I don't know why you have to go. I don't know why you won't stay. I only know that you left. And now I have to let you go.

We're not friends anymore.