I'm afraid to sleep. I'm unguarded in sleep. I can't maintain the boundaries in sleep.

I had yet another dream of us last night. It was a college us dream. Why can't I shake you?

Okay, Horoscopes lie! My love relationships are not interesting and harmonious! They're non existent!

I'm an emotional hoarder. I can't throw my feelings for you away as easily as I should.

Blogging from my iTouch has challenges.

Silly Insights

Thinking is a terrible terrible occupation right now. The more I think the more questions I have. The more I think the more I question my own judgement. We had a discussion in May about how hard all the distance was for you. It was in the middle of May, roughly two weeks before our little dinner date. I remember you saying it was harder then you thought it was going to be. You just didn't realize the distance would be so hard. Of course I pounced all over this. And I took it to mean we were over. I threw things. I threw a lot of things. That night I packed everything you ever gave me into the largest prepaid package I could find. And I cried myself to sleep. You texted me all the following day, tried to make it like old times. I was so angry, so hurt, so betrayed. And you were already seeing her. You expressed how sorry you were that I wasn't going to be see you as planned over Memorial Day. And we had another phone call. You reminded me that I jumped to the conclusion we were over, you didn't actually say the words. I jumped to that conclusion. And you were already seeing her. You said we weren't over, and you were already dating her.
We had our little date, while you were already seeing her.
Why? Did that date answer any questions for you??? Whatever the questions were, I guess the answers were I'm still not enough to fight for. Because it's just so much easier with her.
You have no way of knowing this, or perhaps you do because I like to think you know me very well, I waited for you to say the words "I don't want an us, it's just too hard". I held on because you never said them. As it more awkward and you became more silent I believed you when said it's work, work is just so crazy right now. When you wouldn't text me over weekends and you made the rather poor excuse of "I forgot my cell phone charger" I believed you. Because it was you. You said you were helping out your parents, no you were dating her.
And Memorial Day. Why oh why did you talk me into Memorial Day???? I don't trust myself to express how I now feel about meeting you for dinner.

"DeathStarPR: Yes. RT @LukeSkywalker: If Leia and I kiss but we close our eyes so we can't see who we're kissing, is it still wrong?"

I am in need of a large bottle of brain bleach.

"It's hard to find the moral high ground when we're all standing in the mud."

Happiness is dark chocolate covered espresso beans!!!

So riddle this, what's worse, dreaming new dreams about you and her OR dreaming old happy dreams of you and me?

I think sleep is over rated.

Oh frack it all. Just frack everything. There isn't a fracking end to this. Its all fracked.

I hate the boundaries.

I hate this feeling. I shouldn't be the other woman. I HATE you for making ME the other woman.

Thank goodness I can text here, or I'd embarrass myself texting you.

I wish I could text you, I kinda need to text you, but you're with her. I will not text you.

Oh who the hell am I kidding. Certainly not myself. I want to text you, that's why I'm texting here.

We aren't friends that way any more and I will not text you. I won't.

I will not text you. I will not text you. Even though I'm red wine impaired I will not text you. You are with HER and I will not text you.

"Intellectually I know he's not good for me, but I'm attracted to him."

Why are the bad boys always such great kissers?!?! And really great closet kissers!! (Forgive me, its the red wine)

Right now I need you. I need you as a friend and you aren't there. You won't be there. You're with her now.

And my birthday continues to be crapy. The hits just keep on coming.

Bwhahahahaha! The Wedding Chapel I was married in is closed!

I can't get this stupid song out of my head! Go away song!

I need to figure out why I'm taken man bait.

I need to find a map leading out of the land of sour grapes. It sucks here. Never visit if you can help it.

Silly Sleeplessness

I think I have figured out why I'm not sleeping. My waking brain is afraid of my sleeping brain. In other words I still dream about you, and this morning's wake up during a thunder storm was jarring for so many reasons. One, it was a thunder storm. Two, you took the thunder storm goodness with you (I woke up saying your name). Three, yeah, the dream I woke from was that bad. Not the fight dream which was bad all those years ago, but way worse. And it's haunting me at work in a horrible way. There was truth in this dream and I can't shake it.

http://youtu.be/ksNJyZ2I6II

http://youtu.be/w44dk4ysnz8

What is this?! Am I hydrating so I can cry?! Why won't they end?!

What I keep coming back to in all my vitriol is its easier for you to hurt me then to hurt her. I know who you lied to. You don't love me.

http://youtu.be/S7MuwPlOiNQ

http://youtu.be/gmekN39mnFY

DISTANCE?! We could have met halfway, but you shot it down every time I suggested it! Frack your distance! You're lazy!

Damn malachite. You took that away from me too. You sent me a malachite ring. I can't find it, but I can't look at malachite and not think of you. Damn you.

Damn marbles. I miss my marbles. You took them away too. I can't wear my marble earrings and not think of you. Damn you.

Silly Questions

I have composed this letter so many times over the last 36 hours. I've written several versions in my head. I should have written some down on paper. Right now the wish line keeps coming back to me, I was granted yet another twisted wish yesterday. I had your undivided attention while I blessed you out via text. It didn't help though. It didn't change anything. You can't or won't answer my questions, not the really important ones. You can't or won't do what I need you to in order for any kind of friendship to survive. In the end I was mad and heart broken and torn and selfish and petty and tearful for 24 hours. My 24 hours of vitriol.

The questions I have that you won't answer:

Why is it so hard for you to give me a chance? You started seeing her in Feb. I was supposed to see you in Feb, but you asked me not to come. The reason being it wasn't a good idea given the state of everything between your soon to be ex wife and the complications it could cause your career. But you could date her. You never gave me a chance. I know, you've said "it wasn't serious and then it was" between the two of you. But it was always serious between the two of us. You took whatever future we might have had together and threw it away. Why? Distance? DISTANCE?? We managed 7714 miles of distance and you threw us away because you need physical intimacy. Don't you think I need it too? I think the major difference between the two of us you don't particularly care where you get it from as long as its constant. I need it from you. I need your touch, and your kiss, and to be held by you. And now I'll never have any of it. You threw it away.

Why couldn't you tell her the truth about us? Yes, techically she knows about me. I'm a "dear friend" of yours. Great. Awesome. Your new relationship is built on a lie. I'm more, or at least I thought I was. Now I question which is the lie - the one you told her or the one you told me. If you lied to her, there is no way we can be friends. Knowing me and my mouth I'd let it slip that there is a trunk full of letters she should read for inspiration if your intimate life ever gets boring. If you lied to me about your feelings we can't possibly be friends ever. You lied. Why couldn't you just stand up for me for once? Why couldn't you say when she suggested a nice little friendly dinner out somewhere - "hey, I'd love to, but you need to know there is this other great woman in my life and I have plans with her. We can only be friends." No, you lied by omission. And then you lied to me. Over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. You lied. You promised me the truth and you lied. You said you loved me, you say you still do, but you won't give me a chance. You won't fight for an us. You just want the love and contentment you've found with her. And in the birthday call you gave me, I could hear in your voice you believe you've found love and contentment with her. Then again I once believed you when you said you wanted a chance with me. I know you can't act, perhaps the person you're best lieing to is yourself.

Why did you let me believe I was at fault for the death of our friendship? I begged you in emails and texts to tell me what was going on. To tell me why you were shutting me out. I recieved silence. You let me believe I was at fault. You let me think I did something wrong. I know, you've taken the blame for it now. But can you take the pain you've caused me letting me think I killed us? No you can't.

Those three questions are the ones you won't or can't answer. Until you can, we can't be friends. Not the way we were. Not even with boundaries. You'd grow to hate me. And I would never move on from you. Some small sadistic corner of my heart would want you to come begging back just so I could tell you "no" as you have with me. Trouble is, I would take you back. I would. That small mean corner would be over ridden by the larger whole wanting something real and solid with you. And then I couldn't respect myself. I would poison any future grown from taking you back with guilt and posessiveness. I would become your ex-wife. I would grow to hate you for it, and even that relationship would die. You killed a beautiful intangible golden nearly perfect friendship. I could forgive you anything. I can't forgive this.

I do have hopes for you. I do wish you happiness, you deserve to have it. I hope one day we can meet and be friendly. Doubtful, but I hope it could happen. I hope you never forget me, because I will NEVER forget you. I hope you compare her to me in some small way for the rest of your time together. I hope she comes up lacking in some degree. I hope it haunts you. Yes, as you know this is my evil side. I'm an "emotional cutter". But I only wish it because I know on my end I will compare every man I meet in my life to you. Does his touch make me burn the way yours does? Is his kiss an instant spark like yours? Can he make the world go away with a glance? Would he spend an hour with me in a closet? Will he read any and all books I send him? Will he share his favorite books with me? Will he visit battlefields and agree with me that Picket's Charge was stupid? Is he lieing to me? Is he with someone else? Can I trust him?

You stole something very percious, you stole my center.

I would send this in an email, but emails are easily deleted. And while in my petty moments I want her to know the full extent of the pain you've caused me for her sake, I don't think she'd care. She has you. She wins. So an email won't do and I'll leave it here. Maybe when you think of me, if you think of me, you'll come here and remember my pain too.

I have to close this and say "Good-bye". I don't want to, but I must. I will never move on if I don't.

Good-bye Boo boo.

Good-bye Hanny.

Good-bye you.

http://youtu.be/hLQl3WQQoQ0

You gave me an Oogle to keep away haunts and haints and goblins but you haunt me still.

How can I still have tears when I have shed so many?

Why can't you just once see me here?

How can you be so stupid?

She has you and I have a fracking bear. I hate you. Why can't you see I'm worth fighting for? Why am I having this same conversation with 15 years later??

It maybe easier with her, it may look better on paper, but easier isn't always better. Its just lazy.

Silly Dreams

Dearest You,

There is a funny saying about wishes and being careful what you wish for. I finally received a phone call from you. And on my birthday of all days. Its like a tradition with us, we talk on my birthday and I cry. At least its been the standing tradition for the last three years. I think its a silly one and we should stop. Only I don't think I can. I don't think I'll ever stop crying.

The call was in some ways a good thing. I do need closure. And it felt good to tell you off. But now its hit me, after our talk about how you feel towards your new girl friend (a title I never held, I title you won't grant me even now - was I more or less then a girl friend? why don't I rate?) and the plans you have "on the table" with her. This new girl gets all of my dreams with you. All of them. The white dress dreams, and the family dreams and the growing old together dreams. The waking up beside you dreams. The waking you at midnight on your birthday dreams. The dreams of more children. The Chinese food and Firefly dreams. They all belong to her now.

I can't even say you stole them on my birthday and gave them to her. You stole them so long ago, over the summer when you started sleeping with her. I'm cheated. I'm cheated by you and by her of what I thought my life held before me. And I found out for certain on my birthday.

I know you're sorry, you've said it enough times. A friend on mine when I was about 7 once told me "sometimes saying sorry isn't enough". I can guarantee you this is one of those times. Sorry isn't near enough. And yet you have nothing left to offer me.

You have stolen all my dreams away, or did I offer them to you freely and you gave them to someone else?

Damn Jeopardy James Bond question.

"Love is poison. A sweet poison, yes, but it will kill you all the same."

The universe's dirtiest most disgusting fracked up toilet bowl face!!!

Just when I start thinking I can move on from loving you, I get hit in the gut with how I can't.

Silly Pictures

Dearest You,
I unfriended you on Facebook. I did. And I had very good reasons at the time for doing that. It hurt to be a voyeur on your life after being apart of it. After having you tell me what was going on in your life. I thought it would be easier to just put you back in your box and move on with life without you. Its not. We have too many friends in common. I forgot that when I unfriended you. I should have just left Facebook. I should have deleted my account. Because seeing your profile picture with another woman on my friend's Facebook profiles as you comment on their status posts is a pain I can't describe. Ache is too dull a word to describe this searing pain that pulses with every heart beat. I don't know how to deal with this.

Okay, this texting here instead of texting you is very unsatisfactory. I miss your insights and sense of silliness.

Why won't you stay in your box?

I'm watching the Good Wife and it seems like the world is full of stupid boys who grow up to be even dumber men.

I really miss you.

So many aspects about this suck.

It sucks that we don't text anymore.

I miss you.

Still want a great big puppy. I miss having a puppy.

I want a cupcake. A red velvet cupcake with cream cheese frosting and filling.

I sure do have a lot to say, and not all of it is interesting....

I think I just interrupted a working girl and her john in a Baptist church parking lot. That story would have made you laugh too.

The Zombie Ackbar reminds me of you. Its the kind of thing I would have shared with you once upon a time.

http://www.starwarsart.org/2011/09/pretty-gross-zombie-ackbar.html?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter&m=1

Soooo I did something clumsy at the grocery store. I spilled soda all over the check-out area. The conveyor belt and magazines and everywhere. You'd have laughed.

Stupid YoSaffBridge betrayer phone. Stupid autocorrect. Its supposed to be "are" not "ate".

There ate peacocks blocking traffic and I can't send you a pic because it just starts this whole painful mess all over.

Silliness for Silliness Sake

Dearest You,

Its been an interesting couple of days. I've found reasons to laugh. I've found reasons to smile. I've fought the tears. I know I'll move past this, whatever it was. I'll stop wondering "if" or "if only" eventually. Loosing you won't end me, it just ends a very happy chapter in my life. Even with all the "what ifs" and "what does that mean" questions running through my head, it was a happy chapter in my life. You did bring me genuine joy. You brightened my days with humour and silliness and Yoda. You could make me see how ridiculous I can be about some things. I'll miss that.

I miss you.

I think if we were still friends you'd find my current predicament very amusing. You'd laugh your Yoda butt off at me. The exact same birthday gift from two completely different friends on opposite sides on the country. And I won't bore you with the love life woes (these actually don't concern you, I seem to be married man bait). At this point if I didn't laugh at myself I think I'd dissolve into a puddle like the Wicked Witch of the West. So I laugh. I feel better when I laugh. 

I need to delete your pictures and voice mail from my phone, but I can't. I just can't.

Its been a week and I miss you.

5 nights in a row I've managed not to re-read your letters. But Booboo Bear still sleeps with me. I know, pathetic.

Thinking...

http://youtu.be/Rj6gfz10cS8

"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."

I dreamt of you, but I'm not telling you about it. You've forfeited that privilege.

And One More

http://youtu.be/snU9vQNOkHw

This Week's Theme Music

http://youtu.be/oBYYiIHm90I

Damn Houdini Cranes! I found one in my bed.

I have to remind myself not to text and not to call. I can't stop thinking about you, even if it is to not contact you.

But it would be nicer if you texted because you wanted to talk. Or better yet if you called me. I don't know how to respond to a tugboat.

Its nice that you text me pictures of model tugboats in a museum because they remind you of me.

Frack frack frackity frack frack FRACK!!

FRACK!!!

It hurts not sharing with you.

Just a Little Theme Music

http://youtu.be/jZMQ0OKVO80

I can't help but think my life has a Bridges of Madison County sheen to it these days.

I'm tempted to quote some of your letters, to share your words, but I still want to keep a part of you for myself. Even if its only a few scraps of paper.

Marigolds and Zinnias and Orchids remind me of you.

And this is why I hate texting you, you just drop off without warning. Its rude and annoying.

Frack.

I am weak and pathetic and I'm texting you. Argh!!

I miss hearing the James Bond theme play on my phone.

:-p************

Silly Fairness

Dearest You,

Am I being fair? Did I just disappear for no reason?

I ask because against my better judgement I texted you "Good luck" this morning. I know its a huge day for you at work. I know you've been planning this day, eating, drinking, and breathing this day, for the last couple of months. Almost everything has taken a back seat to this day (on a side note I can't help wondering with everything else going on in your work world, with fellow service members in harms way being injured and some dieing, why this day was even planned. It seems very frivolous at this time). So I wanted to wish you luck. Its a big day for me too. Its the last day I know for certain what you are doing. After today I no longer have any idea what is going on in your life. So I wished you luck.

And you texted back. It was a simple and impossible to emotionally read "Thank you". I don't want it to be cold, but it could be taken that way. I don't want it to be a "throw away" text, you may have so many friends texting you lucky wishes, you just replied "Thank you" to all of them without looking at who the sender was. Or you could be like me, completely lost as to how to handle this whole mess. But I'll never know, we don't talk any more. I'll never know.

I'm tempted to send you the link for this little stream of conciousness. But I have given you so many insights into my soul, I don't know if I could handle your rejection here. And would it be fair to you? To see how I've interupted what I consider slights and you consider over sights. I don't want my feelings trivalized with "I never meant for you to take it that way" conversations. That last sentance sounds very selfish.

My musings are all "I" related. I'm hurt because of "x" you did or didn't do. I'm hurt. I ache. Well of course its all "I" statements, I have no idea what you feel or think. You haven't told me in months. I ask, you shut me down. Or you go be with your local friends. Yes the physical distance between us has created an emotional distance. I don't know why its harder to over come 786 miles when we conquered 7,714 miles. I felt closer to you when you were on the other side of the world. That's kind of sad.

I should clarify. I'm not jealous of the time you spend with your friends (not totally true, I am jealous. I want to live close enough for a week night dinner out or a lunch date, but I don't). I'm jealous you talk to them. Once I knew everything going on in your life. I was the go to person, and now I'm not. I'm not even in the top ten. Information is power and I have none.

In fairness to you, I stopped myself from texting you back. I stopped myself from texting "I love you". I do. In spite of everything I love you. I hate you on a regular basis too. I hate how we're not dealing with any of this. Confrontations are NOT your thing, you don't respond to pressure at all, which I find highly amusing in light of your profession. Of course I find so much about you amusing and loveable.

I miss you Hanny. I miss you Boo boo. But you're acting like Lukey and I don't know how to handle it. 

I like to think of myself as a smart woman, but reading your letters before bed was not one if my better ideas.

Damn Houdini Cranes.

Why don't you call?!?!

Oh that's right, because you don't care. Your indifference hurts.

James Taylor brings me to tears now.

Argh.

Silly Time

Dearest You,

Looking back over the years of our friendship and whatever we were in the recent past, I've realised we made time for each other. I know I always found time for you. And likewise on your end. We made time to spend with each other, even if it was watching a silly TV show. I think I can almost pin point when finding time for each other changed. It was after Memorial Day. We met for dinner and I believe it was the last time I knew for certain I was a priority with you. After Memorial Day I fell off your list. Texting became less frequent, calling became less frequent, email was unheard of, and while I continued to write you letters, I never heard back from you. To this day I don't know if you received my letters.

The awful truth is I could feel it. I could feel you pulling away. I wanted to you talk to me, just talk to me. And I received silence. Oh you'd text me about some headache at work or headache with your children. But you stopped talking about your family with me. Or telling me about your other friends. Or talking about your hopes or dreams or weekend plans. I was no longer held a place on the Need to Know List. I'm sure you'd say it was work pressure, you had so much going on at work you just didn't have time. But in all honesty, you talked to your other friends. In all honesty you simply no longer had a desire to include me. And I knew. I wanted you to man up and tell me. Of course you didn't. Of course you won't. Its your pattern to just let the women you no longer wish to have anything to do with fade away. And boy have I faded in grand fashion, you've made sure of that.

I'm too emotionally attached. I remember all too well what it was like being your best friend to ever settle for the scraps you seem to think I should enjoy of your time now. And for once I wish you would really see the mess you cause. The pain you can inflict with your callousness. It would have been kinder to tell me in June your feelings had changed. It would have been kinder if you had let me wall you off in December when I tried to. You asked me not to shut you out, and I didn't. I asked you not to shut me out, yet you did. You once told me you shut me out when we were younger to protect me from how you treat women. If this is a second attempt at such protection, you have epically failed. I hurt. I ache. I can't think of you and not ache. I can't be and not think of you. My ache is constant. To be utterly melodramatic about the whole thing, I know how Bella Swan feels in New Moon. I understand the need to hold myself in order to not feel how shattered my heart is.

I don't want to say you don't care. But from my perspective you don't. And knowing you don't care hurts the most.

Of course the answer to the question is "no". I'm not letting you go by writing you here. BUT I get to say my peace. Which is more then you have given me.

Ha ha! Now I can text here instead of texting you!
But how am I letting go if I pretend to text you here?

Football Silliness

Dearest You,

I just checked the weekend's football scores. I know its Tuesday and I should have checked them on Monday. I should have, but I was too busy just trying to get through the day. Just trying not to text you. Because I think its the last thing you want from me right now.

Any way - I knew the Redskins had won because of the really funny drunken phone call from my dad right after the game. He was so happy! :) It was a big game for the 'Skins, they beat the Giants at home in Landover, MD (I wonder if they should be called the Maryland Redskins instead of the Washington Redskins since they no longer play in DC. I call the New York teams Jersey teams because they play in the Meadowlands in New Jersey. Its logical). Its been a loooooonnnnnng time since the 'Skins beat the Giants. And its a huge rivalry, always has been. I'm convinced none of the NFC East teams like each other very much. The 'Skins like beating the Philadephia Eagles as much as the Giants. Of course with Redskins fans its all about beating the Dallas Cowboys. As I keep telling my son, "cowboys who ride horses are good, Cowboys who play football are bad". Or another one is "my two favorite teams are the Washington Redkins and whoever is playing the Dallas Cowboys". Which brings me to the point of this letter, the Cowboys lost against the New York Jets in their season opener. :) It was a good weekend for Redskins fans! :)

There is always a bright spot, even if it is a football bright spot. :)

We're Not Friends Anymore

Dearest You,

I've lost you. And it hit me the hardest today in a meeting of all places. I was thinking to myself how I would write you a letter about this silly meeting and it would make you smile. Only I can't write you. Or I could write you and face the humiliation of knowing you don't want to hear from me. You won't answer. We're not friends any more.

We're not friends anymore. I think of all the things I face in life, not being your friend hurts the most. Not being able to share what happens at work with you. Or some funny little thing said by one of the kids. Or watch a tv show with you. Or watch a movie with you. We used to do those things. And now we don't. We're not friends anymore.

I didn't want to loose our precious friendship. When I traded it away, I thought I was trading it for something more. Something closer. I thought I was trading it for love. A love that shined and was bright and gave me so much happiness. I think it did for you too. I reread your letters and I feel it. Letters I know I should send back to you, but I can't. I can't part with the little bit of you I have. The little bit that for so brief a time was mine. They make me cry, and they make me burn, but I smile too.

I don't know why you have to go. I don't know why you won't stay. I only know that you left. And now I have to let you go.

We're not friends anymore.