Silly Fairness

Dearest You,

Am I being fair? Did I just disappear for no reason?

I ask because against my better judgement I texted you "Good luck" this morning. I know its a huge day for you at work. I know you've been planning this day, eating, drinking, and breathing this day, for the last couple of months. Almost everything has taken a back seat to this day (on a side note I can't help wondering with everything else going on in your work world, with fellow service members in harms way being injured and some dieing, why this day was even planned. It seems very frivolous at this time). So I wanted to wish you luck. Its a big day for me too. Its the last day I know for certain what you are doing. After today I no longer have any idea what is going on in your life. So I wished you luck.

And you texted back. It was a simple and impossible to emotionally read "Thank you". I don't want it to be cold, but it could be taken that way. I don't want it to be a "throw away" text, you may have so many friends texting you lucky wishes, you just replied "Thank you" to all of them without looking at who the sender was. Or you could be like me, completely lost as to how to handle this whole mess. But I'll never know, we don't talk any more. I'll never know.

I'm tempted to send you the link for this little stream of conciousness. But I have given you so many insights into my soul, I don't know if I could handle your rejection here. And would it be fair to you? To see how I've interupted what I consider slights and you consider over sights. I don't want my feelings trivalized with "I never meant for you to take it that way" conversations. That last sentance sounds very selfish.

My musings are all "I" related. I'm hurt because of "x" you did or didn't do. I'm hurt. I ache. Well of course its all "I" statements, I have no idea what you feel or think. You haven't told me in months. I ask, you shut me down. Or you go be with your local friends. Yes the physical distance between us has created an emotional distance. I don't know why its harder to over come 786 miles when we conquered 7,714 miles. I felt closer to you when you were on the other side of the world. That's kind of sad.

I should clarify. I'm not jealous of the time you spend with your friends (not totally true, I am jealous. I want to live close enough for a week night dinner out or a lunch date, but I don't). I'm jealous you talk to them. Once I knew everything going on in your life. I was the go to person, and now I'm not. I'm not even in the top ten. Information is power and I have none.

In fairness to you, I stopped myself from texting you back. I stopped myself from texting "I love you". I do. In spite of everything I love you. I hate you on a regular basis too. I hate how we're not dealing with any of this. Confrontations are NOT your thing, you don't respond to pressure at all, which I find highly amusing in light of your profession. Of course I find so much about you amusing and loveable.

I miss you Hanny. I miss you Boo boo. But you're acting like Lukey and I don't know how to handle it.